a collection of randoms

Last week was a WEEK. 

I mean, I say that, but nothing happened except that Jordan, R, and I all had colds and then poor J caught it over the weekend. Baby coughs are so sad. Four people sickly at once is enough to do me in even if I were getting 8 hours a night of uninterrupted sleep, WHICH I AM NOT. I feel like I am sitting on a middle school lunch tray heading down a slippery slope of grouchy about the fact that my four-month-old eats every three hours almost to the exact minute all day long. This is fine during the day, but give me a break at night why dontcha. Like, how does he know it's been exactly three hours since he last ate? Can't roll over but has magical powers of telling time. 

I really don't want to complain about this, though, because I am truly blessed to have a happy, healthy baby boy to snuggle. Over the past few weeks, Jordan and I have tried different things to try and get J to sleep, but nothing has helped one bit. 

Over the weekend I realized that I needed to let it go. It's great that other people's babies are sleeping 9+ hours (and R was doing that too at this age), but I'm stressing myself out too much and I'm going to just go with it. <--- Remind me I said that when I'm complaining again next week ;)

But, life is sweet, friends. I'm still working full time from home and taking J with me into the office a couple days a week, and it's just been so wonderful. I am trying to soak in every day and focus on being thankful for this time with him instead of thinking about how sad I am going to be in December when he starts daycare. Literally every time I try to talk about it I start crying, so that's a great conversation starter for me right now.

Working from home has given me more time with R also. Even though she's going to daycare during the day, I drop her off later and pick her up earlier than I would usually, and I am loving it. On Friday we were playing with blocks while waiting for J to wake up, and she looked at me and said, "Build tower. R so happy." These are such hard, tiring days, but sometimes I truly realize also how these are the absolute best days.

I finally started listening to the Risen Motherhood podcast a month or so ago, and I have been so encouraged and convicted and I cannot recommend it enough if you want a gospel-centered conversation about motherhood. One thing I've been feeling lately is a strong pull back to personal Bible study, and listening to Risen Motherhood has given me more motivation to get into the Word on a more consistent basis.

I discovered that you can download the workbooks for Jen Wilkin's Bible studies and then download to the audio from her group sessions. I just started her study of Hebrews and I'm really excited about it. One sacrifice I going to be making in order to be intentional about doing my Bible study is that I can't blog as much. I'm not quitting the blog by any means, but just in case you're wondering why I'm not quite as active on here as I have been in the past.

I also started reading this book, which I chose from Blogging for Books, and so far it's been matching up really well with some things I've been learning from Risen Motherhood. (Although I will say the author's liberal use of parenthetical asides is already annoying me. It's a weird pet peeve of mine and YES I understand the irony of talking about this particular pet peeve inside my own parenthetical aside. Leave me alone. I'm tired.) I'll do a full review once I'm finished, which at my current rate of finishing books should be in about 85 years. So really soon.

Something else I discovered recently is this, which I think might be one of the coolest things ever. It's a musical and visual art project using Bible verses from the ESV. They have lock screens and art prints and verses set to original music in order to aid memorization. I've only listened to a few songs so far, but this one is a favorite. You can download the songs right to your computer for free! So awesome go there now you're welcome.

In completely unrelated sports news, it was really exciting in our house for a while because both of our MLB teams made it to just one series away from the World Series. Jordan's Yankees could have played my Cubbies! Sadly, both teams lost, and even though we are both sad, we're also a bit relieved because another couple of weeks of late-night baseball would have not-quite-literally-but-actually-kind-of killed us. (See also: paragraph one.)

I don't have much else to say at the moment except that everyone needs to read this. Maybe I was just in a weird mood on Sunday from all the phlegm and running on a few hours of sleep, but I saw this on Facebook and was laughing so hard I was crying. I showed it to Jordan and he was less impressed, but I was dying. Sometimes the internet is ridiculous and enraging, but sometimes it is amazing and hilarious.

The end.

Hard Things and Smiles

Last week was a really, really hard week for all of us. Last Sunday R woke up from her nap sick. I stayed home with her on Monday and ended up taking her to the doctor Tuesday morning after two days of a fever that didn't get below 101 and general grouchiness and a total lack of appetite, which is highly unusual for my little girl who eats almost anything. She tested negative for strep, but the doctor suspected a case of hand, foot & mouth.

She was sick all week long and was only somewhat well enough (and not contagious) to go to daycare on Friday. She got sores in and around her mouth and refused to eat anything because it hurt too much. She continued to run a fever, be irritable, and had a very difficult time sleeping. She would wake up every 45 minutes to an hour screaming in pain, and there's no medicine for HFM except rotating Tylenol and Motrin every 4-6 hours until it goes away on its own.

One thing about being a working mom that I never thought about being challenging is what to do when your child is sick. In the interest of sharing more about the life of a working mom, here is some insight: Your child is sick. You've been up most of the night comforting her, stressing about her temperature, and trying to make sure she's comfortable. You got minimal sleep, yet you still have to get up and get dressed and go to an office and pretend to function as a professional. Or, you can use one of your limited sick/PTO days and stay at home. Let's say you do the latter, but then the next day your child is still sick. They can't go to daycare, so you either use another PTO day or scramble to find childcare.

Let's say you find childcare. You head to work feeling not only super tired but also incredibly sad and guilty that you just left your sick child, who just wants her mama, in the care of someone else. I honestly don't say this to be all "woe is me" but to say that it's hard being a working mom in ways some people don't even think about. I know I didn't ever think about it before I became a working mom, but it's a real struggle that we all face at some point!

Thankfully, my mother-in-law lives close and has a flexible job where she can switch her days off, so we tag-teamed watching R during the week when I had to be in the office and she had to be at work. I'm just thankful it didn't happen this week, because we have some VIPs in the office all week, and I really couldn't have taken off due to some meetings and the need to show up and actually look nice for once.

Friday and the three-day Memorial weekend could not have come sooner. We were all totally exhausted and running on empty, and on Saturday night I actually came down with something that is causing me to feel less than awesome (aka terrible). My throat is killing me, and I have chills off and on. At work yesterday I was pouring sweat for over an hour, meanwhile no one else thought it was hot. By the afternoon I was wearing a blanket. I am a mess. At this stage it's impossible to forget that I'm pregnant, but sometimes I forget that I'm super pregnant, like, could-have-the-baby-at-any-time-now pregnant. I probably just overdid it what with all the craziness that was going on with R, but prayers for good health appreciated!

I find myself wondering how we are ever going to manage both working full time and having two kids when one is sometimes too much! I know in my head that it will work out, but it's weeks like the one we just had that make me feel very overwhelmed and anxious about how it actually works out.

It was such a joy to see our sweet girl smiling and eating and playing over the weekend. She is still having a hard time sleeping at night (which means we are having a hard time getting sleep! send help), but she is acting so much more like herself and it makes me happy. 

She is full-on toddler sass and toddler funnies and it's hilarious and frustrating and basically my favorite ever. I know every parent says this about their child, but honestly she is so smart. She's learning more and more words, and I can tell she understands more of what we say every day.

It seems like last week was long and hard for a lot of people, so I hope that so far you are having a smooth week, maybe even enjoying the start to summer if you are a teacher or finishing up the last week or two of school. 

Depending on when Baby Bum comes, it's just a few more weeks left of work for me and then I have a summer off too! Of course, I know I'll be even more sleep-deprived than I felt last week, but I'm still excited to spend more time with R (and Baby Bum, of course!). Even if she is crazy and runs me ragged half the time, I will never as long as I live, get enough of her smiles.

Bye-Bye, Paci

Things kicking my butt this week: 

1. Daylight savings time

2. Recovering from my exhausting work trip last week

3. Going cold turkey on the pacifier

See also: being (nearly) 26 weeks pregnant

In hindsight, maybe it wasn’t the smartest decision to drop the paci this week, but it’s happening, and at this point there is no going back. 

If there is one thing the Internet is undecided about, it’s when to drop the paci. Seriously, Google it yourself and see. I read the first two pages of articles and saw recommendations for anywhere from 4 months to 4 years. What I need is for someone to just tell me what to do already, but apparently there really is no all-in-one child-rearing book and you actually can just do whatever you want. 

I’m not mature enough to have to make these kinds of decisions.

The one consensus, it seems, is that it’s easier to drop the paci sooner rather than later, when they are older and more stubborn about it. So why are we dropping the paci now at nineteen months? Well, I’ll tell you. 

We have four pacifiers, and at some point a few months ago we straight up lost one, so we had three. I realize we should have probably had more than four to begin with, but just go with it. 

On the Sunday after I came back from my work trip, Jordan informed me that R had chewed through one. She likes to hold it in the side of her mouth sometimes, and I guess she bit a little too hard and the end came off (halfway off, anyway, but still). I found the third paci under her crib, but right before I gave it to her, I looked at it, and it had some kind of mold/snot/liquid inside of it. Totally gross. Don’t judge us. So we tossed that one, obviously, and then there was just one left. 

Except we couldn’t find it. 

We searched in all the pockets of everywhere, the car, her backpack, my purse… gone. At that point the only option was to either drive to the store and buy more or just tell R that the paci went bye-bye and have that be the end of it. I thought of some better reasons why now would be a good time to drop the paci anyway, but the real reason is that we were just too lazy to drive to the store and buy more. 

Poor R didn’t get any warning, no countdown, just paci go bye-bye. 

Forever. 

She hasn’t used it since Saturday night, and dare I say it? We might be making progress. 

Sunday afternoon she refused to lie down for her nap, and I ended up rocking her for two hours. Sunday night she screamed bloody murder for a solid half hour while Jordan and I took turns going in to pat her and tell her the paci was gone but she was a big girl and could sleep without it. I felt horrible, especially since I’d just been gone from her for four days and now I was back to torture her by taking her paci away. 

Sunday night she woke up twice in the middle of the night, both times for over an hour and both times standing up in her crib screaming, only stopping if one of us held her. On Monday I took her to daycare and told them we didn’t have any pacis and to try and get her to nap without one and… good luck? They said she did take a nap eventually, but it was short and she only went to sleep after they swaddled her and rocked her. 

Monday night as we prepared R for bedtime, Jordan and I gave each other pep talks to stay strong and went over our plan for the inevitable middle-of-the-night wakeup. She screamed for her paci three times at 1:00, 3:30, and 5:00, and we took turns going in there to reassure her that she was okay. 

Yesterday it took her an hour to fall asleep at daycare (bless them), but miracle of miracles, at bedtime she only cried for about five minutes before falling asleep and, most shocking of all, she didn’t wake up once in the night! I really don’t want to be too optimistic, but I feel the worst of it might be over. (Unless pacifier regression is a thing? Don’t tell me about it, if it is.)

She knows that the paci always sits on top of her dresser, and so every night and every morning, we wave bye-bye to the paci together, and she says, “Bye-bye, buba.” I think she’s getting the idea that the paci is really gone!

As with everything about raising a child, Jordan and I have absolutely no idea what we are doing, and everyone will have different opinions about this, none of which are wrong. But I do feel confident in our decision to go cold turkey on the paci. She seems to be moving in the right direction, and hopefully her naps and bedtimes will improve until she’s mostly back to her normal sleeping habits where we can put her down and she will fall asleep on her own. I guess we will see! 

But I will be happy to have gotten rid of the paci before Baby Boy arrives in June. I feel like if she were still using one and saw the baby using one, it would be much harder. 

I just think maybe next time we won’t drop the paci on the same weekend I come back from a work trip on Saturday at 11:00pm and the same weekend as Spring Forward. This might, however, be a good time to start drinking coffee. 

Because this week is kicking. my. butt.

DID I JUST WRITE AN ENTIRE BLOG POST ABOUT A PACIFIER.

What is my life right now.

12-Minute Memoir: Bedtime

*This is part of a new post series where I set my timer for 12 minutes and write about a specific word or phrase. Idea originally from here. (I actually wrote 15 minutes on this one!)

I know a lot of books recommend having a consistent bedtime routine for babies, but we never did that for R. We don't give her a bath every night or sprinkle her with essential oils or read a book or turn on a baby lullaby. My main concern when she was a new baby was to "set the mood," so to speak, by making it clear that it was night, and nighttime was for sleeping.

We tried to talk softer, turn down the lights, and move a little slower. Since I'm away from R most of the day at work, I would be happy to keep her up later at night so we could have more time to hang out. I am never excited for bedtime, because I want to keep playing with her. But right around 7:00, she starts getting fussy and rubbing her eyes, so that's when we start getting her ready for bed.

I change her diaper and put on her pjs, and for some reason I've always called it "sleepy sleep," so I say, "Are you ready for sleepy sleep?" If she's sitting on the floor when I ask her that, she will sometimes straight up lay down on the ground. Sometimes if I give her her pjs, she will set it on the ground and sit on top of it like she's trying to put it on herself. It's adorable.

I put her pjs on, and then I turn to Jordan and tell R, "Say goodnight to Dada." And she waves at him and smiles. Over the past few months we've been trying to start brushing her teeth regularly before she goes to bed, and she hates it. She shuts her lips and glares at us, so we shove the toothbrush in there anyway. She opens her mouth wide to yell, and we quickly scrub her teeth. You could say it's going well.

We try not to take for granted the fact that she typically goes to bed really well. Some days she isn't having it, but for the most part I just lay her in her crib with her blanket, a few pacifiers, and her bear, cow, and giraffe, and she goes to sleep without hardly crying at all. I tell her that Jesus loves her and daddy loves her and mommy loves her, and I tell her she's smart and strong and beautiful, and I pray that she has a good night sleep, and then I say, "I love you. Goodnight," and shut the door.

I nursed her before bed until around 14 months, and then one day I decided to not nurse and see what happened. She didn't wake up during the night or seem to miss that final feeding, so it really went great! We don't give her a cup of milk before bed, just whatever she drank during dinner at 6:00. (Although if she's thirsty between dinner and bedtime, of course we give her something to drink.)

Most nights she's asleep by 7:30, and then Jordan and I have a few hours to ourselves. Usually I clean up dinner and tidy the house a bit, maybe get a few things ready for lunch and snack the next day. Then I watch TV while I blog or work on a freelance editing project if I have one. I like to be in bed by 9:00 so I can have time to read my Bible and maybe even a few chapters of my book before I fall asleep.

Jordan usually stays up until 10:00 or 10:30. Even though we go to bed at different times, we try to make sure we pray together every night. It doesn't always happen (usually because I've already fallen asleep), but we do our best.

And that's what our bedtime looks like!

What time do you go to bed?
Do you have a bedtime routine?

// See the first post in this series: Waking Up

Lately

I thought I'd join in today with Jenna's coffee date Friday linkup and give you a general life update, because I know you all are dying to know what's going on in the Bumgarner household.

We finally bought a car seat! You would not believe what a time I had trying to pick one of these things out. I had recommendations from friends and read reviews, but seriously, infant car seat, convertible car seat, eight thousand colors, and a price variation of a couple hundred dollars. Does it really need to be this difficult? Answer: no. And yet somehow it was. 

Jordan helped me pick one last week, and we ordered it and now that's done. In case you're interested, Baby Bum will not be cruisin' in a $200 seat. Try half that plus a 15% coupon at Target plus 5% off for using my Red Card = $87. I'm sure she won't mind.

I hung stuff! Or rather, my mom and brother and sister-in-law hung stuff. I am incapable of making any decisions (read above), and those decisions include decorating my house. Will there be a time I don't need my mom to help me with adult life? Judging from the way things are going, I'd say probably not. 

I'm still on high alert from the surprise birthday party I threw Jordan a week ago. I got so used to shielding the phone from him lest he see a suspicious text message that I've found myself still doing it. I don't know how people live double lives. I'm not cut out for it. 

Next week I will officially enter "the window," aka Baby Watch. I could have 3 weeks to go or I could have 5, but that's where it stops. The end is near, people. 

I'm over going to work. Over. It.

I still go, of course. And I sit there and do stuff like read and edit and finish things up before my maternity leave, but I won't lie and say I wouldn't rather be home with my feet up eating piles of ice cream. Or napping. Lots of napping.

I could write an entire blog post about how anxious I feel about the prospect of going back to work, finding childcare, affording childcare, and just that whole madness, but I'm going to spare you and myself. You're welcome. Just know that I do feel anxious about it, but I've seen God provide and know he will, and I have to learn that I have no control over the things I can't control. 

Namely, the fact that I have a passion for editing and not, say, finding gold.

There's more. Much more. I am a hormonal, waddling mess right now. But I don't have time to tell you about it. I need to get to bed.

In case you're wondering, these days I sleep like this, apparently. 

Jordan took this picture of me a few weeks ago, and I can't stop laughing about it. I mean seriously is this for real? He showed it to me the next morning and said, "I was going to move your arm, but instead I just took a picture and laughed at you." That's true love right there, people. Hey, at least I'm sleeping at night. Whatever it takes to get comfortable.

The Rage

As was evidenced by my car naps, it takes me approximately .476 seconds to fall asleep at night. I go to bed before Jordan almost every night, and even if he's only five minutes behind me, there's a strong possibility I'll be passed out by the time he comes in the room.

Example:

I lie down. 

Jordan goes to brush his teeth. 

He comes out of the bathroom. 

I am asleep.

He tries to be quiet when he comes in, but sometimes he coughs or, you know, breathes. That's when the rage hits.

The rage is what we've started calling the irrational state of mind that exists between me being fully awake and fully asleep. It doesn't happen every night, but I'd say every other week I go into rage mode.

Basically, what happens is that Jordan accidentally wakes me up, and I become full of rage. Except I'm not fully awake, so everything is super dramatic and exaggerated, even though I firmly believe I'm awake and being normal.

The rage usually involves me yelling at him to be quiet. But I don't stop there. I've also tried to punch/kick him in...places.

One time, I yelled at him then started crying. We're talking legit sobbing crying, not fake crying. After I got done sobbing my eyes out (approximately 3.2 seconds later) I glared at him, grabbed my pillow, and marched out of the room, vowing to sleep on the couch until morning.

Halfway to the door I forgot what I was doing and came back to bed. The rage doesn't hold grudges.

Sometimes I yell at him then start laughing hysterically. Jordan, finding this hilarious, will start laughing, and that will make me really mad and I'll yell at him. Then I'll start crying. The best part is, once the state of rage has passed and sleep has resumed, I will wake up the next morning and not remember anything.

Occasionally I remember parts of it, but it all feels like a dream. Thankfully, Jordan thinks it's hilarious. I'm glad he's not mad at me for yelling at him for no reason, but he understands that I'm asleep and don't know what I'm doing.

Just last week, Jordan was calmly reading and I was sleeping beside him, when he got a text, and his phone pinged. I instantly woke up in a rage. I grabbed my pillow and stormed into the other room and locked the door behind me. Jordan chased me down and promised to be quiet if I just came to bed. No sooner had I shut my eyes before he farted the loudest fart ever. You guys, it was so loud, and Jordan was just about dying laughing. Let's just say the rage was not happy.

I swear I wasn't this weird of a sleeper until I got married. It does things to you!

Anyone else know what I'm talking about with the rage? I can't be the only one.

What are your weird sleeping habits?

___________

Related:

Ways I Annoy Jordan While Sleeping [PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE]

Patterns of Sleep: Where I Am Forced to Prove I Am Awake

What's that? You want to know who the bearded fellow is next to me?
Yes, Jordan's beard is out of control right now.
Ahem.

In honor of the Superbowl being over and the 2012 football season concluding, I wanted to share a quick story about yet another ridiculous nighttime episode courtesy of yours truly.

You should already know from reading ridiculous sleeping story number one and ridiculous sleeping story number two that I am quite an exciting bedmate. Poor Jordan is left to deal with the insanity because he is too light a sleeper to simply ignore it and too nice to kick me.

And while it's happening ("it" being my random mumblings/shoutings), Jordan likes to remind me that I'm sleeping and won't remember any of it the next day. He's right, of course. If I remember anything, it's snippets of a conversation that he pieces together while I laugh hysterically. 

But this story I'm about to share is different. I remember the whole thing perfectly because for once I was, in fact, actually awake while it happened.

I don't remember what night of the week it was, but it had to be either a Sunday or Monday, because we had stayed up late to watch a football game. The Giants vs. someone else.

Anyway, I fell asleep first, per usual, and later when he kissed me goodnight, I woke up and started talking to him about something serious. Finances or some oddity. He assumed I was asleep and told me so. "You know you're asleep, right?"

But I wasn't, so I said, "No, I'm not."
I have, however, claimed to not be asleep before, so this didn't make him feel any more secure. "No, you're asleep." 
This made me frustrated, as you can imagine, because I KNEW I was awake. "No, I'm not. I'm awake!" 
We went back and forth a few more times before he decided to play a little game with me.

So you know what happened next?
He made me prove I was actually awake by answering trivia questions about the football game we'd watched earlier that night. He wanted to know who had won, what the final score was, and who the two quarterbacks were. 

This went on for 2 or 3 minutes, while he quizzed me to prove my insistence that I wasn't asleep. After he was satisfied that I couldn't possibly be coherent enough during sleep to answer such specific questions with accuracy, he let me off the hook.

The next morning, for once, I had to remind HIM of something that had happened the night before. And neither of us could stop laughing about it. So now, apparently, I will need to stay informed on my sports trivia just in case I need to prove I am actually awake.

Patterns of Sleep (Or, Ways I Annoy Jordan While Sleeping) PART 2

About a year ago, I wrote a blog post (Patterns of Sleep, Part 1) about the things I do to annoy Jordan while we're sleeping. Until I married Jordan, there was no one besides my college roommate to tell me I did strange things while I slept....that is, until I DID marry Jordan, and then out came the crazy stories.

When I wrote that first post in March of 2012, it had been almost a full year of marriage, and now, after nearly 2 (in May), I think it's high time for an update. 

Jordan likes to tease me about the fact that I could sleep through anything. You could parade a marching band through our room with tubas and trumpets playing The Star Spangled Banner as loud as they could, and I wouldn't notice. But for some reason, lately I've been doing this thing where I get in that between-dreaming-and-awake state where you sort of wake up, and you know something is going on but you don't know what. 

During these times I get irrationally upset. Like, the Hulk and I could swap rage stories upset. 

When we first got married, Jordan and I didn't not want to go to bed at the same time. It was like we were 16. "Don't go to bed without me!" "No YOU don't go to bed with out ME!"
Gross.

This cute honeymoon stage lasted approximately two days, until Jordan realized that I am a grandma and like to go to bed before the sun goes down. It is a rare occasion when I don't fall asleep before he does, and it takes about 30 seconds before I'm hard asleep.

Every night he rolls over and gives me a kiss before turning off his light. Because we're cute and stuff. Lately, however, I've been waking up when he kisses me. This is where the irrational rage comes in. 
One night he kissed me, and I woke up and shouted, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" 
And he said, "Um, well, I just kissed you."
And I said, "WELL STOP TOUCHING ME."
Then I glared at him and rolled over to face the wall.

The next morning, I didn't remember anything about it. When I told him I didn't remember, he looked at me like this:

Another time, I purposely fell asleep on his side of the bed with my feet on his pillow and my head facing the bottom. I thought I was so funny, and I fell asleep chuckling to myself. "He's going to come in, and I will be asleep on his side!" (Chuckles) "AND my head is facing the wrong end!" (Chuckles) 

This is real-life excitement, people.

When Jordan comes in an hour or so later, I'm asleep, obviously. My evil plan is working beautifully, except in all my plotting, I didn't consider the fact that when he did come in, he would wake me up and force me to move, initiating the irrational rage. Nevermind that the whole thing had been my idea in the first place.

So he comes in and shakes me, and says, "Why are you on my side? You're weird."
And I'm like, "WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
And he's like, "Um, you're on my side. And you're crazy. Move."
And I'm like, "WHYYYYYY?"
Suddenly, in my dreamlike state, I remember what happened, and I say, "This seemed like a good idea at the time." To which Jordan replies, "You did this on purpose?"

Then he looks at me like this:

Again, I didn't remember this until the next morning when he reminded me, and even then he had to fill in some missing details.

These kinds of things have been happening lately, and more often than not Jordan has some weird story about me getting mad in my sleep. Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't, but I never remember the whole story, and it's really fun to hear Jordan reenact the previous night's ridiculous episode. Thankfully, he realizes I am sleeping and not in control of what I'm doing, so he doesn't get mad at me for being mean to him. In fact, he usually finds it funny. 

Which is exactly what happened last night.

I was tired, and Jordan was in the man cave/extra bedroom/library watching Blades of Glory and playing a video game. I wanted to go to sleep, but I also wanted to hang out with him, so I felt like a fair compromise would be to get ready for bed and then take my blanket into the other room to fall asleep on the futon. Jordan warned me ahead of time that when it was time for him to go to bed, he would wake me up and move me. "So don't get mad," he said. I assured him that I would be fine. Lies!

As it happened, I naturally "woke up" at the same time he was ready to go into our bedroom. I say "woke up," because it soon became clear that I was not, in fact, awake. He walked me to bed, and I lay down. He leaned over to kiss me, and I promptly started trying to make out with him while mumbling incoherently and drooling on myself. I have no explanation. 

After Jordan successfully freed himself from my unconscious advances, I fell back asleep, and he started his nightly reading ritual (right now he's reading The Fellowship of the Ring). Just before he turned out his light, he noticed I had an eyelash on my cheek, and he reached over to get it. What he didn't know was that at that exact moment, I was having a dream that something was on my face. I don't know if it was a hair or an insect, but whatever it was caused me to violently flail my arms in the air just when he reached for the eyelash.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I shouted. My rages seem to have a theme.
"You had an eyelash."
Then we both started laughing, me more hysterically than him, because when you're dream-awake, every emotion is intensified. 
"Okay," I said. "Thanks." Then I closed my eyes. But I could feel him staring at me, so I opened them again. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" 
"Just looking at you cuz you're pretty."
"WELL STOP IT! LET ME SLEEP."
Then I closed my eyes. But I could still feel him staring at me. 
"SERIOUSLY! STOP IT! LET ME SLEEP!"
Then I started laughing, and he started laughing.
"WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?" As if I hadn't just been laughing. 
Then I started crying. I grabbed a blanket, stormed out of the room, and said, "I'm sleeping in the other room."
Jordan chased me into the other room, laughing the whole time, and slowly talked me off the proverbial ledge in that calming way you're supposed to talk to crazy people. "Come on. Don't sleep in here. Come back to bed."
"Well are you going to stop looking at me and let me sleep?"
"Yes. I will."
So we got to bed, and I fell into a hard sleep in not-quite-literally-but-almost 3 seconds. The next morning I remembered the whole thing vaguely, but he had to fill in a lot. And I definitely did not remember trying to make out with him. So weird. 

I don't know what the moral of the story is unless it's that you should be glad YOU don't sleep with me. Because I would probably try to assault you. That, and Jordan is a forgiving person in real life and while I sleep. For this I am glad. 

It appears I might have to make these sleeping update posts a yearly tradition, because as crazy as I used to be, it appears I've given me a run for my money.

Until next year, sweet dreams! 

Patterns of Sleep (or, Ways I Annoy Jordan While Sleeping)

When I first considered the fact that I would soon be sleeping in the same bed as someone else, I wondered if I was an annoying sleeper. I honestly had no idea if I snored or flailed my arms about wildly or kicked my legs or threw my pillows or sleepwalked. I had only a few facts from which to assume that I did none of these things. 

1. My throat usually wasn't sore in the morning, so I probably didn't snore.
2. On family camping trips and friend sleepovers, no one had ever complained about me snoring. 
3. My pillows were all on the bed in the morning, so I felt safe in thinking I didn't throw them.
4. The sheets were, for the most part, straight and neat when I woke up, leaving me to assume that I didn't flail my arms about or kick my legs. 
5. I'd never accidentally cut myself with a knife in the middle of the night, so I could only postulate that I had never sleepwalked to the kitchen to dice myself some fruit for a late-night snack.

Today, March 14, is ten months exactly of sleeping next to someone else (almost) every single night. During that time the proof has been consistently mounting against me, forcing me to arrive at the unfortunate conclusion that despite the evidence listed above, I am an annoying sleeper. An annoying, narcissistic sleeper, to be exact. One night I woke up, rolled over, and said, "It's hard work being me." (Dream me obviously knows what's up.)

I'm also a highly critical dreamer. A few months ago I had a dream--nightmare, really--that someone was chasing us. Jordan claims I woke him up in the middle of the night to say, "You're not very good at hiding." As I blamed him for Dream Amanda and Jordan's inability to escape their pursuer, he was quick to inform me that he was very good at hiding. Whatever that means. I have since wondered if that knowledge should make me suspicious or grateful.

Over the past 3ooish days, I have woken Jordan up in the middle of the night with all sorts of crazy words, shouts, and, perhaps most bothersome, actions. Specifically, flailing of arms and stealing of pillows.


Sometimes, I'm told, I sleep with one hand resting on my forehead, almost in a thinking pose. (I was going to take a picture of me fake sleeping while doing this pose and call it a "dramatic reenactment" like they do in cheesy TV commercials, but I realized that would be awkward and dumb, so you'll just have to imagine it for yourself.) I don't know why it bothers him so much; he says it's because when I move my arm around, it makes a noise that wakes him up. (It took about a day to realize he's an incredibly light sleeper.)

In the morning Jordan will turn to me and say, "You did it again last night."
"Did what?" I ask.
"Your crazy arm thing."
I, of course, never remember doing this, but he tells me that he tries to move my arm down because a) it looks uncomfortable and b) sometimes I hit him when I raise my arm and/or I make a rustling noise when I move it around. 

Two nights ago, he said that after a few failed attempts to take my hand off my forehead--during which time I repeatedly moved my arm back to its original position--he tried to literally pin my arm down underneath him so I'd stop waving it around.


Right after this happened, he said, I gave a snort and rolled completely onto his pillow, effectively pushing him almost off the bed and stealing his covers all in one motion. He poked me in the shoulder to wake me up, and I began laughing so hysterically he couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying. He got annoyed and told me to stop laughing, which made me laugh even harder. Then I got up, poured myself a drink of water, and walked calmly back to bed.


I did not immediately remember this scene upon waking and had to verify it all with Jordan, who confirmed that yes, I had tried to steal his pillow after he attempted to pin my arm down with his butt, and yes, I had become hysterical with a disconcerting combination laugh/cry.


A few times recently I've woken up complaining about a sore throat. To my regret, I've discovered that though I might not snore, I am a heavy breather. Jordan's demonstration of my loud night breathing is hilarious, though maybe that's only because I'm not awake at two o'clock in the morning to hear it.


These are just a few of the many examples I have for all the strange things I have said or done in the middle of the night since we got married ten months ago. I find no end to the comedy; Jordan doesn't find it quite so endearing, for obvious reasons. But the fact of the matter is that I am not the peaceful sleeper I thought I was. At first, this saddened me. But I've since come to embrace it.


I can't say whether I was always like this (because there's been no one to tell me otherwise) or if having a consistent bed buddy has brought the crazy night habits out of me. But it's ridiculous all the same, and since I'm sleeping, Jordan can't technically blame me for it. This fact alone makes it all the more hilarious. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but if that's the case, I'm sure in time I'll come to embrace that too. Until then, I'll just keep unconsciously annoying Jordan while I'm sleeping.