Week One

On Monday morning, September 5, our last Baby Bum arrived. Labor Day. She knows how much I appreciate word jokes. We didn't find out the gender in advance, so it was a surprise and delight to find out that it was a girl! R is completely over the moon excited about having a baby sister.

I truly did not have a gender preference most of the pregnancy, but I did think it was going to be a boy up until the last month or so, when I started feeling like it was a girl. Early on in the pregnancy I had a very clear dream that felt so lifelike, where I had the baby and it was a girl. The same thing happened to me during F's pregnancy, where I dreamed it was a boy! Jordan thought it was going to be a boy.

This probably isn't the most glamorous first post to share about our new baby, but she is a week old yesterday, and I wanted to write a bit about this first postpartum week. I do not share this for medical advice or for sympathy. I wanted to write it down so I can look back on this later and be encouraged by how far I've come; but also too for anyone who might have a hard time, like I do, comparing themselves to others.

I am pretty hard on myself in general, and after every pregnancy I see people going out and doing things and wonder how they can, when I'm barely walking to the mailbox and back. Every pregnancy, delivery, baby, and body is different, so it's silly to compare, but I still do it.

As far as the pregnancy goes, although this was my fourth baby and I'm obviously older than I was during any other, this was my easiest and most enjoyable pregnancy. I've struggled with a lot of anxiety in the past, mostly about the baby being okay, and this time I'm so thankful Jesus answered my prayer and gave me a lot of peace and calmness about this baby. Of course, I still had moments of worry, but for the most part I did not feel overwhelmed with anxiety like I have in the past. Emotionally, I was very up and down with my moods, and I will say I randomly cried a lot, but my anxiety was so much lower.

Physically, I felt the best I ever have being pregnant. I came into this pregnancy in the best shape possibly of my life. I trained for the Chicago Marathon all summer and ran more often than I ever have. The race was in October, and I got pregnant just before Christmas. I kept running 3-4 times a week and completed the OKC half marathon at 21.5 weeks pregnant in April. My last run was when I was 30 weeks--that's the longest I've ever run while pregnant. After that, I kept up walking 2-3 miles, and my mom and I walked for a good 45 minutes the night before I had this baby.

I absolutely think without a doubt that going into this pregnancy in shape helped me feel so good physically while pregnant. I stayed very active, not only running but doing workouts at home, and I didn't really have any back or hip pain at all. I did throw my back out in February and couldn't move around much for about 2 weeks, but that's a recurring injury that pops up every year and a half or so, and not related specifically to pregnancy. Of course, I was uncomfortable. I had leg cramps, nausea, fatigue, headaches... but in general I can't complain very much at all about how I felt physically this last time.

I'll come back to share her birth story, but as far as the birth experience, the biggest difference with this delivery is that I didn't tear! I tore every time prior (twice in the same spot), and I was shocked I didn't tear this time. I have no idea if that was related to being active in pregnancy, my position when I pushed her out, or other factors, but I was super excited to hear that.

Considering how good overall I felt during pregnancy, this past week has been really hard. On Sunday (so 6 days postpartum), I drove R to church for the kids' music program because I thought it would be nice to get out of the house. Until that point I hadn't gone anywhere except to take G to her checkup at the pediatrician on Friday. I drove R to church, walked her inside, up 2 flights of stairs, down the hallway, then back down the stairs and out to my car, where I sat in the parking lot and called my mom and sobbed because I realized I didn't want to be out after all. 

When it was time to pick R up, I sat inside the door and waited for someone to come by so I could ask them to go get her for me so I didn't have to do the stairs again. I know I just had a baby, but it had been almost a week, and I got achy and tired walking up some stairs?! I felt super lame. Of course, everyone was nice to me as I sat there in the chair crying about how I just really wanted to go home.

It's hard for me not to be active. It's hard for me to rest. I just don't do it very well, and I know this about myself. I've been trying to really not do anything at all and just rest as much as possible, and I'm incredibly thankful and realize what a blessing it is to have a supportive husband, helpful friends, amazing mom, and a mother-in-law who lives close.

Postpartum is a weird time. I'm snuggling a tiny baby that I can't believe was just inside of me. And I'm so thankful and happy, and yet I hurt all over. I'm wearing Depends, which a friend recommended and I'm telling you this: Depends is missing out on the postpartum market because wow. I wish I had worn these with other babies! So much better than the hospital mesh underwear and giant pads. The kids, by the way, think it's hilarious that I'm wearing a pull-up. They also have asked me several times why my belly is still big and whether or not I'm having another baby. THANK YOU SO MUCH, tiny humans. I feel affirmed.

So I've got that going on, plus all the nursing things happening. Thankfully G is latching and eating really well, and I know I just have to get past the first couple weeks and it won't hurt as much, but that's not the most fun right now either. Also YES, it's true that cramping is worse with each kid, at least it has been true for me. Every time she eats it's like insane period cramps, which are thankfully getting better every day, but those first few days were truly terrible.

My biggest issue this time has been my stomach. It just feels out of place--all my organs moved around and I guess are trying to move back, and it's been giving me a giant stomachache. I'm taking a stool softener and Ibuprofen several times a day. I'm also sleeping in one- to two-hour increments. It's just such a wonderful time!

Actually, though, it IS a wonderful time. It's an honor and a blessing to have done this four times. It's a sweet time, and it's also really hard. I've only left my house twice in a week, and both times I wish I hadn't. I've cried once a day every day. I'm achy and sore and tired. I'm trying to give myself grace, take it one day at a time, and remember that every day I'm improving. Rest is the best thing for me, and it's okay if I'm not going out yet. I have no one to compare to, nothing to prove, and the best little baby to snuggle. Just so overwhelmingly thankful.

fall fun + a tangent about the fiasco that is going places

There's really just something so fun about fall. Oklahoma summers are so hot, and although I honestly don't mind the heat too much, the cooler weather is such a nice change. Sadly, fall in Oklahoma is about 1.5 days long, so I am a big believer in packing in as much outside time as we possibly can. I like to stop at the park on the way home from daycare pickup, which makes for a rushed and hectic dinner rush and a bit later bedtimes, but it's so nice to be outside! Minus the mosquitos, which love me and thus ruin my life.

Two weekends ago we went out to our friend's parents' house to hang out and pick some pumpkins. Last weekend we drove downtown for one of my favorite things to do every year: Pumpkinville at the children's garden.

Getting there was a bit of a fiasco, and I had a.... well, let's just say I had a moment with the lady at the ticket booth because they wouldn't give me $2 off admission even though I'd brought the sticker they said I could use. They ended up giving me a voucher to paint a pumpkin, which normally costs $5. The gesture was nice, but I didn't want to paint a pumpkin. I wanted my $2, people! But I didn't say that.

I used to think I wasn't the kind of person who liked confrontation, and I wouldn't say I like it necessarily. But more and more lately I'm realizing that I am in fact exactly the type of person who will confront if I have a problem/complaint/issue, especially when I feel like I'm being ripped off. It is extremely embarrassing to Jordan, and sometimes embarrassing to me, but I find that sometimes I just can't help myself.

As I'm sitting here writing this and looking through the pictures I took, I have to admit that I wish I hadn't gotten so upset over $2. I worry that my kids are going to get the worst parts of me, and that I'm setting a bad example. I've never cursed at anyone, and I don't straight up yell or throw things or wave my arms wildly. But I do get frustrated and don't always speak with grace. Often I end up going back and apologizing to people for getting upset, which is probably super weird, but I do it anyway.

Anyway, I don't know why I went into all of that except to say that behind every nice photo and every fun event we do it feels like there's also a fiasco of some kind. Either the kids are freaking out or I'm freaking out or Jordan is freaking out. Why is going places so stressful sometimes? Maybe it's the pressure of having a good time that makes people nutty.

Anyway. We did rally, and I calmed the crazy that is my indignant rage and intense emotions. The kids had a really good time, and I got some fun pictures! I only wish it were slightly less crowded, but that's what happens every year because we have to go on a weekend since it closes at 5pm during the week.

J is surprisingly great at throwing and knocked down a few of the faces. I'm so thankful for Jordan and what a great dad and husband he is. Love getting to do things like this as a family! We had planned to go to the zoo, but this was the only weekend we were going to be able to get to Pumpkinville while it was open, so we came here instead. So glad we did! I feel like the kids are at such magical ages where things like this are so fun and exciting. That makes it super fun for me too. Until next year!

Stitch Fix Reveal + Hello

I always have grand ideas of blogging, but getting R to stay in bed and go to sleep sucks the life out of my soul, and after it's finally over I have no energy for anything else. I'm actually not being dramatic. She was really bad, and then she was better, and this week has been terrible. We've tried sticker charts and ok to wake clocks and all sorts of other things, and basically I just need someone to SEND HELP. But I don't really want to talk about it, so moving on!

I got a my quarterly Stitch Fix box earlier this week. I've been getting them for over a year now, which sounds like a lot, but I only get 4 a year, so this was just my 5th box. I think I've had the same stylist every time, and I haven't gotten a bad box yet. Maybe I'm just not picky, but everything has been more or less my style, and it's been fun to try on. The most items I've ever kept from one box was two; usually I just keep one thing. (Here's my referral code if you want to try out Stitch Fix and get the styling fee waived for your first box. I got my mom signed up, and she loved her first box! She showed me everything over FaceTime and it was fun!)

In my box for this month I received a pair of work pants, a jean skirt, a dress, and two tops. Neither of the bottoms worked... the pants were a nice thick fabric that had a good stretch to it, but the fit was a little off, and for the price ($58) it wasn't 100% love. The jean skirt was the first thing I've gotten from Stitch Fix that was a hard no. It had the jagged, unfinished edge that I know is "in" right now, but I'm still not on board, and it hit my legs at an awkward length that wasn't good for my large calves.

Here are the rest of the items! Can you guess which one I kept? Please step into my dressing room, aka my office bathroom on my lunch hour ;) 

This top was sooooo soft. Like, IT'S SO FLUFFY soft. Loved the sleeve length, and I liked the gray color and the uneven hem. But two things: 1) it was too short. I wanted it to be more of a tunic-style than a top, and it just felt weird. 2) it honestly looked so blah when I had it on. It just did nothing for me. Return.

Ah, I loved this. It was super duper soft, and I liked the design, the color, and the 1/2 sleeves. It also had buttons halfway down the back, which was really cute. BUT. It felt too short, and I wouldn't feel comfortable wearing it without leggings or something underneath. The second thing was the waist. I'm not a large person, but I swear to you that from the side I looked 4 months pregnant. (I'm not pregnant, but I looked like it.) The elastic waist wasn't very comfortable, and I just didn't love how it fell around my stomach. Return.

Okay, so obviously I kept this one! It actually doesn't look this way in the picture, but it's a bright green color. I don't know why it looks teal here. And I'm not sure it looks as cute in the photo as it did in person. Anyway. I think this will add a pop of color to my work attire and be a nice top for the spring or even possibly a layering blouse under something in the fall. Keep!

Lastly, I will leave you with this recipe for chicken tacos from Pinch of Yum, which is one of my favorite food blogs. Ours came out looking pretty close to the picture! This can also be a freezer meal. It was simple to make and a fun twist on regular chicken tacos. I like trying out new recipes, and I'd had this printed out for a while, so I'm glad to finally have tried it! We recently bought an Instapot and have used it a few times, so I'm looking into some good recipes for that too. Let me know if you have any!

Hope you have a great Friday and weekend, friends. I've had a rough week for no specific reason but just general life getting me down. Last weekend I was in Kansas City for work, so I'm excited to (hopefully) have some downtime and get some quality time in with the kids and Jordan. Next week I'll be back to share about a fun product that a company sent me to review!

Checking In

*I linked to a few things below using an affiliate link. Clicking gets me a few cents at no cost to you :)

I feel like my blog is one of those friends you've known so long that you don't have to talk regularly, but whenever you do talk you can pick right back up as though no time has passed. Of course, I realize it might not feel that way to you, but it does to me. Did you know I started this blog in May 2010? It's been almost nine years of blogging!

Speaking of things that have been going on a long time, Jordan and I met in January 2009, and last month he reminded me that we've known each other now for a whole decade. We started dating in the summer of 2009! We both have said that sometimes we wish we had met when we were younger so that we could have gotten married earlier and had kids when we were younger (I had R when I was 29 and J when I was 30), but also you can't help when you meet someone, and just thinking about all the things that had to happen basically throughout our entire lives for me to end up in Oklahoma and for us to meet at all blows my mind a little bit. But anyway, that actually has nothing to do with what I was planning to write this post about! ha.

We've had a really hard time in the evenings with R for the past year or so, which has been a contributing factor in my lack of blogging, because I just don't have the time. She will not stay in her room and go to sleep, and we keep having to try new things to see if this or that will work better---earlier bedtime, later bedtime, lying in her bed with her, shutting the door, leaving the door open, a light-up clock... I'm so not patient, and a lot of parenting seems to be trial and error, which annoys me.

Also annoying? Toddlers who make up the most ridiculous reasons to come out of bed 85 times before finally going to sleep!

At the beginning of February I flew to Saint Louis and had a girls' weekend with 2 friends of mine from college. There were supposed to be 4 of us, but our other friend's son got sick at the very last minute, so she wasn't able to come. We stayed at my friend Lauren's house, and our other friend drove down with her daughter from Chicago. I left the kids with Jordan and flew in Saturday morning and came back Monday night. We hadn't seen each other in over a year and a half (maybe close to two years even!), and it was so nice to have friend time with people who know you so well. I even took my running clothes and got in an hour run while I was there, which is good because I have a half marathon coming up at the end of April and need to get some long runs in.

On Valentine's Day, I bribed them with candy hearts to sit still for a picture. R played her part well, but J still doesn't totally get the concept of bribery so it went about as well as I could have hoped. Don't even say they are getting so big because THEY ARE NOT. They are still babies. Thank you.

My mom mailed two books to our house that arrived on Valentine's Day, one for R and one for J. I hadn't heard of either book, but they are super cute! It was perfect since I didn't have anything to give them, and R was excited. No, I don't do Valentine's baskets. Or Easter baskets, for that matter. I'm not against it, but I'm also cheap and not that on top of life at the moment to put together a cutesy gift for my kids for the Holiday of the Month. Next people are going to start doing St. Patrick's Day baskets. Actually that's probably already a thing.

Since I probably won't blog again for months, I feel like I need to keep going while I have you. What else... oh, I finally got the America's Test Kitchen cookie cookbook for Christmas from Jordan and have made a few things from it. The recipe is, as expected, amazingly specific. Things like, whisk for 30 seconds, let batter rest for 1 minute. Repeat 2 more times. But my cookies have come out looking exactly like the picture in the book! It's been fun to branch outside my usual Tollhouse recipe ;)

R built this tower last weekend completely on her own. As in, Jordan and I helped in no way. We don't have any other 3-year-old buildings to compare to, but we felt like this was showcasing some impressive architectural skills. Her daycare teachers have always said that she's really smart, so it's not just us being biased!

I suppose I could keep going, but I'll stop for now. I did want to check in and let you know that we are all alive, and no, I'm not pregnant. Not that anyone has asked, but in the blog world when someone disappears for a while, it's not unusual for them to come back and announce something. Nothing to see over here, people! Just working full time and trying to fit in all the things in the short time I have in the evenings after we finally get R down (J is so easy for the most part!). How it's the middle of February already I have no idea. Thanks so much if you're still hanging around to read these posts of mine!

At least one thing is going right so far this year

Well I'll just say it. 

2019 has been a bit of a dud for me so far. On New Year's Eve I chipped my front tooth on a plate of jello. No, I'm not making that up. I repeat: JELLO. Strawberry jello, if you really want to know. That's the short version, which is all the information I want to share with the internet. We were at a friend's house playing The Office Olympics, and no, no one at the party was drinking. I only wish I had that excuse, but in fact I'm just an idiot who closed her eyes too early and smashed her face as hard as she could into a table, thank you goodbye.

So that happened on Monday. And I still stayed up until midnight to ring in the new year with my friends and Jordan and sparkling cider and, oh yes, a chunk of bone missing from my mouth. The dentist was closed on Tuesday because it was January 1. On Wednesday they called and scheduled me for first thing in the morning on Thursday. But THEN we had an ice storm, and they cancelled all Thursday appointments, and I only got in Friday at noon. I went to work Wednesday and Thursday and had a noticeable lisp. I was literally talking to Jordan and said the word "piece" like this: pieth. I wish I were making this up. I even wish I were lying a little bit to exaggerate and make this funnier. I AM NOT. It's all true.

I'm still traumatized and halfway convinced the rest of my teeth are going to fall out at any moment. It didn't help that sinus pressure from my cold is making all my teeth uber sensitive and achy. I keep dreaming about losing my teeth and blowing my nose for hours, except that last part is happening in real life. I probably won't be able to bite into an apple ever again, and I've been cutting my food into smaller pieces than the ones I give J.

This past week both Jordan and I have had the most miserable colds. I fell asleep with R every night at 8:30, and nothing whatsoever got done. On Thursday I went home early from work and took a nap all afternoon after stopping at Panera for soup. By Friday I was finally feeling better, but I'll just say it's a good thing I didn't make any 2019 resolutions because I would have broken them all already. Unless one of my resolutions was to eat ice cream every day, because I finally found a store selling Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip, and I bought some immediately. At least one thing is going right this year.

Saturday morning was cold and rainy, and R for some reason really wanted to go outside. She kept saying, "We just need to get our coats on and my rain boots and a hat. There is rain out there." I told her she was welcome to go, but I was staying inside, but then J saw R through the window and started freaking out (he loves being outside), so we all got bundled up. Both the kids loved it, and I have no idea why, but I decided to make the most of it and got out my good camera to take some pictures.

I hate that my first blog post of 2019 is basically me complaining about life, but it just hasn't been the greatest of starts to the new year, and I can't blog about anything else until I boldly proclaim my sorrows and share them with strangers on the internet. This is life as a millennial. I'm living the dream, people!

The new year is a time of reflection and setting goals for the year to come, and I'm probably slash definitely being way too hard on myself and overthinking this a lot, but for some reason this year I just feel bummed when I look back and see that old me is still the current me, and really I don't feel that I've improved much at all. There's nothing magical about January 1, but I still can't help but feel like something should be different or better, and then when it isn't I'm sad. Does that make any sense at all to anyone else?

Anyway, enough about that. I do truly hope your 2019 has gotten off to a better start than mine. It's not all that bad anyway, just life sometimes. I'm hoping this week we can finally start to get into a routine again after the holidays. I took down all the Christmas decorations, but we still have the tree up and lights on our house. I won't tell you whose job that is, but whoever he is better get on it.

I have really slowed down with blogging over the past 2 years, and 2018 was my lowest number of blog posts yet. I don't know what to say about that other than I write when I feel like I have something to say and when I want to choose to blog over something else in my spare time. That isn't as often as it once was, since these days there are a lot of things I like to do and many things I need to do, and there are only so many hours in which to do them.

I do think my next post will be 2018 Year in Numbers, because I've been doing those for the past few years and think it's so interesting to compare year to year, so check back for that!

Musings from the Sick House

I'm writing this Saturday night, and let me tell you: it has been a week. A WEEK. It started last weekend when R got a stomach bug Saturday night and projectile vomited all over the carpet in our bedroom and then twice more in her bed. She spent basically all of Sunday parked on the couch watching TV. You know your toddler has watched a lot of TV when she comes to tell you she doesn't want to watch anymore. 

I've mentioned before that for some reason I'm way more against TV time than I thought I would be as a mom, and not to sound dramatic, but days like that make me die a little inside. But then I remind myself that lying on the couch watching endless amounts of TV is pretty much the only good thing about having a stomach bug. This is true when you are 32 and when you are 3. Amen.

By Sunday afternoon she was complaining about her right ear hurting. And by complaining, I mean inconsolable screaming late into the night. I took her to the doctor first thing Monday morning to check her ear, and sure enough it was infected. My work is pretty flexible, which I'm grateful for, but this last week and next week are the absolute worst two weeks for my kids to be sick. I am working on the most important issue of our publication, which goes to press at the end of next week, and it's a stressful time for me and a lot of my coworkers.

There are a lot of hard things about being a working mom, but in the three years since I started back to work after having R, I still think the very hardest thing is when my kids are sick. I absolutely hate that I am unable to give them 100% of my focus when all they want is me. Even when I do take off to stay at home, I still have to call in sick/reschedule meetings/answer emails from home. And there are times when they have a cold or just aren't acting themselves, but they aren't technically contagious with anything, and I send them to daycare, and I feel terrible about it. There's just a lot a lot of guilt involved for a lot of different reasons, and I feel like I'm failing at being a good employee and failing at being a good mom.

So I had that going on to start the week with R, and J also wasn't acting like himself at all. He basically cried most of Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and finally Saturday afternoon I took him to the doctor to get his ears checked just in case. Double ear infection. MEANWHILE, when I got home from picking up J's ear medicine, Jordan said he felt nauseous and promptly threw up. What is life right now.

I admit: I have not felt very jolly this week. I've either slept on the couch or in R's toddler bed most of the past week. Someone has been puking or crying nearly every minute of the time I'm with them before and after work. I quit Instagram until the new year because if I see any more posts about how much fun it is to stay at home during the day with your kids and bake Christmas cookies I'm going to claw my eyes out.

I called my mom on Friday, and she asked how I was doing, and I said, "Good!" Then I said, "I don't know why I said good. I'm not doing good. This week has been crappy." We've so trained ourselves to answer "good" to the "how are you doing?" question that I even say it to my own mother, apparently.

In the grand scheme of life, obviously these are minor concerns. And really it's just been this week. We've actually been able to do a fair amount of Christmas merry-making this month, including Jordan putting up lights on our house for the first time ever! I also love how my mantel turned out, thanks to some FaceTime help from my aunt. It feels like the one thing in the house the kids can't touch and mess up.

On Thursday we met some friends at a kid's play area called North Pole Adventure, and R took her very first picture with Santa of her young life. I think I've talked before about how I personally don't understand why people think photos of small children sitting in Santa's lap and screaming are funny. We've never taken R to see Santa before, and we didn't at all force her to go this time, but she hopped right up there herself and told him she wants "more games" for Christmas. (She told me today that she also wants a pink Barbie, but too bad that's not happening. I don't have time for late-entry gift ideas! I also have no idea where she came up with that idea since we don't own any Barbies. I know she plays with them at daycare, though.)

J was there too, but he was in a terrible mood because of the aforementioned ear infection and only wanted to be held by me or Jordan. I didn't want to put Santa through that kind of stress ;)

This is one of those posts where I feel like I should have some kind of ending point, but really I don't. I've been reading Paul David Tripp's daily advent devotional each day this month so far, and I'm thankful for his simple reminders during this season of what the point of everything is. It's not perfect Instagram squares or clean houses or even everyone being completely healthy. It's Jesus. I have to keep telling myself that my days are not wasted and that he understands.

I think I'll end with sharing a quote that someone I follow shared on Facebook recently. I almost skipped over reading it as I was scrolling through, but for some reason I stopped, and I'm very glad I did. A good reminder in this Advent season. So much easier to read about than to do, but I can keep practicing!

Last 5

Apparently I blog once a week now. Is anyone even here still? I mean, I'm barely here myself. August was not my favorite, and I won't lie, I've been in a terrible pity party mood lately. Don't even comment and try to encourage me because I don't deserve it. I was just being ridiculous and not joyful and I won't excuse myself, but I will say that August was packed full of VOMIT and SICKNESS and I paid a doctor copay for every single member of my family at least once, a few people twice. Because did I mention vomit? Three Sundays in a row someone in my house puked. I don't want to be one of those crazy people who blame everything on the devil, but it seemed suspicious.

Related side note: I once edited a book written by a lady who told me that the reason her book had errors is because it was correct when she emailed it to me, and the devil--I repeat THE DEVIL--intercepted it in transit (across the internet?) and changed it all. She also argued with me about commas and said she knew what was correct because she got an A in English class in the eighth grade. Oh, and her book was about a talking squirrel that lived in her backyard and was based on a true story. She insisted the cover of the book be white with a rainbow across it. Naturally.

Anyway, what I really popped in to share was the last 5 photos on my phone. I thought that might be an easy way to jump in and share a few of the goings ons in our lives lately. Of course, I'm not showing you the actual last 5 photos, which are all of clothes because recently I've gotten very obsessed with selling clothes online and have half my phone memory used up with different angles of shirts and pants. That's all I'll say about that! ha.

ANYWAY. The kind of last 5.

1. Family ice cream date

If you follow me on Instagram, you will have seen this photo already and might notice that yes, I did photoshop Jordan's shirt and the giant image of Bonhoeffer's face. As much as I love Bonhoeffer, he was ruining what is otherwise a lovely photo of the four of us. If you don't follow me on IG you have no idea what I'm talking about, so just ignore.

I told you that August was hard, but we did have some good times, including a weekend date to the local DQ for some ice cream. R got some vanilla ice cream in a cup with sprinkles, Jordan and I got blizzards, and J got bites of everything.

2. Pony rides and triple birthday parties

Forgive me if this is actually a horse, but I think it's a pony?

Near the end of August, our church group got together for a triple 3rd birthday party two friends and I hosted for our three kids, who were all born in August 2015 just a few weeks apart. We had a 1-year party, and now two years later they are all 3! We were all standing around going, didn't we just do this? Our friends have the perfect house for hosting, with a huge backyard, a trampoline, and even rides on their pony (horse). Sadly, it was just R and I because J was sick and Jordan had strep, but it was nice to just have one child to worry about, and we could stay later without them anyway ;)

3. Toe infections

Jordan and I have different ideas about when it's necessary to go to the doctor, and we argue about it all the time. I grew up basically never going, and Jordan grew up going a lot. We noticed R complaining about her big toe hurting a few weeks ago, and Jordan said we should take her in but I wanted to try soaking it and putting antibiotic cream on it and seeing what happened. So we did that for a few days, but it was clearly getting worse, so we took her to the doctor (compromise!). Turns out, she had a bad infection, and the dr put her on a strong antibiotic with instructions to take it 3x a day and soak her foot in warm/hot water 3x a day for 20 minutes. And we were supposed to do the soaking and the medicine for ten days.

Confession time: We have never gone the distance with either kid giving them the advised amount of antibiotic for any doctor visit. For like a week we start out strong, and then we forget a dose, and then another one, and we slowly just stop around day 8 or 9 and just toss the rest once we realize it's a week later and we never finished the final few.

But the doctor said that if the infection didn't get better, we would have to take her to the hospital so they could put her under and cut the infection out of her toe, and so we got majorly serious about the medicine and the soaking. Today as you are reading this (Wednesday) is day NINE, and I am very proud to say that we have not missed one dose of medicine, and we make her sit and soak before we leave for daycare, right when we get home, and right before bed. This is a breakthrough, people!

She looks less than thrilled in the above photo, but actually she asks to sit and soak her toe, and she sits the entire time, I think probably because she gets to watch Veggie Tales. We rarely let her watch TV, but this past week and a half she's gotten 20 minutes of Veggie Tales 3x a day, and she's loving every minute. She also loves to take her "pink medicine." She's always been really good about taking medicine. I don't know if that's weird or not, but I'm thankful we don't have to fight with her!

4. Wagon walks

This one doesn't so much need a giant paragraph. After work sometimes I'll load up the kids in our wagon (that I bought off Craigslist for $20) and take them for a walk. The kids love it, and the weather has not been too terrible! And by that I mean it's been in the low 90s. Perspective ;)

5. Snuggles

J continues to be the most snuggly bean there ever was. He has always favored me, but lately he seems very attached, and I don't hate it. Maybe if I stayed at home all day I'd get tired of him wanting to be held and tired of him crying whenever I leave his sight, but I don't stay home, and I don't get tired of it. 

This is probably definitely the reason he's not walking yet: because I carry him almost everywhere. I don't care. He vomited a lot in August. Like, so much vomit every couple of nights for two weeks straight. We weren't sure what was wrong and even took him to get blood drawn to make sure his liver is functioning properly. Everything came back normal, so we aren't sure if it's a food allergy or a bug or what, but it's super random and doesn't seem to be related to any particular food or situation. All that said, he hasn't been feeling 100% lately, and we've been having lots of snuggles.

This summer has absolutely flown by. When I took J to get his blood drawn, the dr asked me how old he was, and I said he just turned 1 a week ago. Then I was like, no wait, he turned 1 almost two months ago. HOW. 

So that's a quickish snapshot of life lately! There have been a lot of great moments and some moments I will not miss one bit, but overall we are happy and (mostly) healthy and trying not to wish these little years away. We are blessed and thankful indeed.

Birthday Weekend + Blogging Thoughts

Over the weekend we hosted family for R's birthday! She turned 3 on Friday, and we had the party on Saturday. I took short video clips all day both days and hope to put together a 3rd birthday video collage soon. For whatever reason I think making videos is so fun and love doing it. (Here is how I make them, if you're interested!)

I haven't gone through all the pictures yet, but maybe soon I'll share a post with pics from the day. It was pretty low key with minimal decorations, and mostly everything was recycled from my "party cabinet" where I keep all the decorations I've made over the past few years along with paper goods and other Target dollar-spot finds I collect. We did a taco bar and had pink cupcakes. It was really fun!

Right before the party my brother noticed that the side fence in our backyard had fallen over in the storm the night before. The only reason it wasn't completely over was because it was being held up by our neighbor's shed. We have had a few house projects lately, and we are not the type of people who enjoy doing house projects. And by "we" I mean Jordan. I've tried to be handy and end up hanging things unevenly and putting giant holes in the wall on accident, so I leave all the handiness to him, but since he does manual labor all day at work, he doesn't so much want to do it at home. 

Anyway, we clearly need to pay to get our fence repaired (yay adulting!), but in the meantime he rigged up some rope, and the fence is at least mostly upright at the moment. We also have a broken pillar off our front porch, and our front screen door is busted so there's a piece of packing tape holding the lock down. In June we used our cash emergency fund for the very first time to pay for maintenance on my car, so we are Very Excited to pay for a new fence.

I need to sign us up for one of those home improvement shows before Jordan goes insane from the stress and pays someone to burn our house down so we can collect insurance money. (He might have mentioned doing that, but I think he was kidding.)

We are pretty stressed out at the moment, to be honest. As I mentioned in my last post, this summer has been so full of wonderful things and awesome family time, but it has been FULL nonetheless, and we are tired. We really packed it in this summer, and all four of us have a birthday within 2 months of one another so that adds a bit of extra excitement too.

But how are you? No, seriously. How are you doing? Are you feeling stressed out by anything, or are you in a relaxing season at the moment? It's so easy to get caught up in the stress of daily life, going from one thing to the next and not really paying attention to how other people are doing. If I can be an encouragement to you in any way, let me know!

Blogging is weird. You get a glimpse into someone's life that you haven't ever met (in most cases), and if you follow them for long enough you begin to feel like you know them a little bit. But you may not know this about me: I can get insecure about what I say online. I'm not really all that afraid of confrontation usually, and I often say/write what I think. Sometimes I feel like I offend people, and especially online it's hard to accurately convey tone of voice and meaning. I also hate to go back and reread old posts because I get super embarrassed by how dramatic I sound. But those were my honest thoughts at the time, so that's what I wrote! haha. Plus also if you don't know me in real life, I can be kind of dramatic ;)

Just know that I do appreciate everyone who comes and reads. I've taken a huge step back this past year in the frequency of my posts, but I still enjoy sharing in this space and hearing from you! 

I'd like to try and get some photos from R's party edited and posted, but in the meantime I wanted to let you all know about a new Facebook group I started for anyone who loves books! The group is private so you have to request to join, but I'll accept anyone as long as you love books and promise to be a nice person in the group :) It's not a book club, just a place to chat books. Join here!

Happy Monday!

Vices

I was hanging out with some friends a few months ago, and one of my friends mentioned another friend of hers who had recently gotten a new car. "I'm really not ever jealous of people," she said. "But I'm a little jealous of her awesome car."

My first reaction was to think, Wow I'm jealous of people all the time. I wish I was never jealous. My second reaction was to realize that by wishing I were able to not be jealous like my friend, I just proved my own point.

This is one of the things I really don't like about myself: my constant comparing. It's nearly instantaneous when I see or hear something, and it's an embarrassing thing to share because it sounds so... so ungrateful. So entitled.

The truth is, I'm not at all unhappy with my life. I've been blessed in so many ways, and I'm so thankful. But I really struggle with comparing and jealousy. Social media in particular can be a big trigger for me. I go in waves where I consider deleting all of it, but I do like parts of it too,  and I just haven't figured out the balance. It seems to be all or nothing with me, and I wish I could find a good solution!

I shared this struggle with my mom some time ago, and she said that it's easy to pick and choose pieces of someone's life that we'd like to have, but you can't just switch out parts you want and leave the rest. If you want to trade one aspect of someone's life, you have to be okay with trading all of it: their family, their spouse, their kids, their job. And of course I don't want to do that. I'd just maybe like to replace a few of my things with a few of their things, but I don't want it all.

I honestly get so frustrated with myself. Philippians 1:6 says: "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it at the day of Jesus Christ." I love that verse for the promise it holds that Christ is working on me, perfecting my weakness and giving me grace to wake up and try again the next day, next hour, next minute.

I don't know if this whole thing sounds lame or sad or just pathetic, but I share with the hope that if you struggle with this too, you aren't alone. And the awareness of the struggle is a gift from God, allowing our eyes to be opened to our sin so that we can ask for help from the one who is, even now, doing a very good work. It's an encouragement to me, and I hope it is for you too :)

*Comments turned off. Sometimes I just like to share without the pressure of comments, but as always I'd love to hear from you if you do have a response!

top image via

12-Minute Memoir: Summer as a Working Mom

Summer is officially in full swing, and in Oklahoma that means 90+ temps and lots of sweating. Also my air conditioning went out in my car yesterday. It’s the most wonderful time of year! 

I wanted to write a shoutout post for my fellow working moms, specifically those of us who work “traditional” hours and aren’t teachers. This post is for you, friend. I can offer nothing more than solidarity and a hug across the computer screen.

* * *

I’ve never cared that much about not having the summer off until I had kids, and I’m going to be honest: it’s taking a lot of mental effort on my part to not get majorly bummed out when I see people posting about all the fun times they are having with their kids at the pool and the zoo and the splash pads. First-world problems? YES. But nevertheless it's the truth.

Fragile. Handle with Care.

In five short weeks, my baby boy will turn 1 year old. Just a few months after that, R will turn 3. It’s truly amazing to me to look back and think about how I’ve been a full-time working mom outside the home for almost 3 years.

I remember like it happened just yesterday sobbing all the way to work after leaving R at daycare for the first time. I remember coming home at the end of the day and nursing her in the rocker. We both fell asleep at 6:00, and then some time later Jordan came and put R in her crib and quietly pulled me out of the nursery. I collapsed on the floor in tears and wailed, “I can’t live like this.” I know that sounds dramatic, but Jordan will tell you that’s exactly what happened. I felt defeated and tired and emotionally drained, and I couldn’t imagine going on for even one more day.

People said it would get easier, but even three years later I can’t decide whether or not I think that’s true. It’s certainly gotten more efficient. I can get myself and both kids changed, fed, and out the door by 8:00 almost every single day, barring a last-minute poop explosion. I almost expect a prize just for showing up to work on time(ish) every day.

It’s easier to recognize the voices that tell me how much I’m missing or how little time I get with them, but it’s not always easier to ignore them.

It’s never easy to leave them in the mornings. But yes, I suppose it’s easier than it used to be, which I say is because I’ve had to build a heart of stone, bracing myself against the tears and the hugs and matter-of-factly putting them down and saying goodbye and walking away. But I often stand at the door like a creeper and watch as long as I can get away with it.

Over the past 3 years I’ve learned that people are so sensitive about the topic of working and staying at home. I knew that was the case, but man it is really the case. I write on this topic to share my experiences and hopefully encourage other working moms, but I also hope to shed some light into the struggles and emotions of working moms for those who aren’t. 

The more we all share about our unique situations, I hope the more sensitive we can be to other moms and stop judging and arguing and just support and encourage.

But it’s obviously not as easy as that. I think it would go a long way, however, to try and adjust our phrasing. All moms work, and the phrase “working mom” really is quite problematic when applied to only a specific group of moms. In a similar sense, the phrase “full-time mom” is problematic, implying that those who don’t stay at home aren’t full-time moms. (I wrote more about that here.) 

One small way I’ve tried to be more inclusive in my phrasing is when I meet someone, instead of asking if they work, I ask, “Do you work outside the home?” (I do realize there are moms who work at home, but I think overall the phrasing of this question diffuses a lot of defensiveness around the topic.)

The other issue, I think, is that we can all be guilty of assigning intent to something someone said that the other person probably didn’t even mean. It’s those darn voices again.

For example, when you say: “I don’t regret quitting my job to stay at home with my babies,” this is what I hear: “You are going to regret not quitting your job to stay home with your babies."

When you say: “They are only little once. It goes by so fast,” I hear: “You are gone so much and missing all of it. How sad for you."

When you say: “Quitting my job is the best choice for our family,” I hear: “Because you didn’t quit your job, you are choosing yourself over your family."

When you say: "I've made a lot of sacrifices to stay at home with my kids," I hear: "You must not love your kids as much as I do because if you really wanted to, you could make sacrifices too."

Are these true things to think? Do they even make sense? Not really. But our hearts and minds can play tricks on us, and mine sure have played a lot of tricks over the past 3 years.

I had a very special and powerful moment last year when I strongly felt God’s voice speaking to me, telling me that he saw me, he understood me, and he loved me just as I was. This is a different situation entirely, but it reminds me of when Jordan and I were in the Bahamas in 2015, and God very clearly appeared in a situation where we felt scared and alone.

Over the past 3 years of writing about by experiences working in my office job and being a mom to R and J, I have no doubt offended or hurt some of you by something I’ve said. I try to be extremely careful in my phrasing and the way I write about this topic, but I know I haven’t always done that perfectly. And that’s because I’m not perfect. Shocker, I know.

It’s been 3 years; some days I’m okay with working, and other days I’m really not okay with it. Some days I feel like I’m doing what God has called me to do, and other days I wonder why on earth I’m wasting time sitting in an office when my kids are smiling and laughing without me 10 miles away.

When I went on our women’s retreat last month, one of the speakers was in a wheelchair due to a brain stem stroke she experienced when she was 26. She can stand up for short periods of time and walk with assistance short distances, but otherwise she is completely contained to her wheelchair. I was so encouraged by her session, and a few things she said have stayed with me, but one I want to share here.

She said that she was talking with a friend who said that when people see a wheelchair, it’s like if you were wearing a shirt that said, “I’m fragile. Handle me with care.” And Katherine said, “My wheelchair is a physical reminder to people that I’m fragile, but don’t we all want that shirt? Aren’t we all fragile and want people to handle us with care?"

I think we forget sometimes that no one is as secure or put together or content in their life as it seems. We are all fragile, and moms especially (although I know much of this is true for anyone, mom or not) can be easily barraged by voices poking at all the ways we are failing our kids, all the ways we don’t measure up with our house décor and our decorated front porches and our choice of where to send our kids to school.

It’s just freaking hard to be a human sometimes.

We need more support from one another. We need more encouragement online and in person. And guys, we need more Jesus. We need to read our Bibles and pray and cover ourselves with the truth to combat the voices telling us we aren’t good enough.

Seriously, get off Instagram and open your Bible. Start anywhere. I am reading through the Bible this year and am currently in Judges. There’s a lot of weird crap that happens in the Old Testament, but the metanarrative speaks to how much God loves us. The people of Israel messed up a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And God keeps protecting them and fighting for them and keeping his promises to them. He wants to do the same for you.

So listen to me: you are doing a great job and you are an awesome mom. 

If you work in an office, if you work at home, if you work taking care of littles, if you work for yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back and go tell someone else they are awesome today.

And don’t forget: We are all a bit fragile. Handle with care.