Welcome to Part 2 of our interview on motherhood with my friend Laura, who is a SAHM of 4, and me! If you haven't, go back and take a look at Part 1, where we answer questions 1-5! Part 1 also includes a little intro to this interview, so if you missed that click here.
6. What is the hardest time of the day for you? What is your favorite time of day?
AMANDA
(Amanda: This is me one morning at daycare dropoff. R and I were matching, and she wanted to take a picture, and J wanted in too!)
As with everything else in motherhood, I’ve found that
answering the question of hardest time of day is a phase. It also depends a lot
on the day. Sometimes everyone is in a great mood and things go smoothly; other
days it’s a hot mess express at my house!
Daycare drop-offs are never my favorite because I always
feel sad to leave the kids, but it’s definitely gotten easier as they’ve phased
out of the screaming and clinging to me and shouting “mama!” after me as I walk
out (edit: I wrote this answer a few weeks ago, and this past week J just started doing this again to me uggggggh). There have been many days I’ve cried all the way to work because I felt so
horrible leaving them. When they were in their biting/scratching stages, I
dreaded pickup because I didn’t even want to know what kind of incident report
I’d need to sign.
Evenings are both my favorite and least favorite time of
day. I get home from picking them up at daycare between 5:20-5:30, and they are
all wound up, tired from the day, and cranky and hungry, and I am too! But at
the same time I’m SO excited to see them. It’s a rush to settle in after being
gone all day, get dinner on the table, clean up, do bedtime, and try to get
them down at a reasonable hour while still getting in some quality time after
being apart all day. So it’s super challenging but also my only solid few hours
with them each day, so I try to get in as many hugs and stories and “I love
yous” as I can. Sometimes I feel like we balance that pretty well, and
sometimes I’m just sad that I get so few hours with them each day and we spent
it rushing around.
But truly, my favorite time of the whole week is Saturday morning. We don't have to rush out the door, I make breakfast, and we just stay in our pjs and sing songs and play cars. It's wonderful and fills my tank for the week.
LAURA
(Laura: This is me feeling torn between folding the laundry and holding the baby. Also pictured are three children who always like to occupy the same square foot as me.)
When my husband is gone (which is usually 1-3 nights a week right now), bedtime is often the hardest. I’m exhausted, the house looks like we’ve been robbed, and I’m somehow trying to help four tiny people let go of their troubles and fall asleep. Even with our predictable bedtime routine, people (self included) can get way off track.
When my husband is home, bedtime is much easier, and school pickup wins hardest time of the day. My baby or toddler or both have to go right from nap to the car, and that can be a tough transition. I learned pretty quickly that giving everyone a snack on the ride home can help prevent some hangry drama. Even still, there are a lot of tired personalities in one minivan.
My favorite time of day is…bedtime. I know I just told you it’s the hardest. If we can push through the hard parts, it’s often the sweetest time I have with them. I love reading stories, chit chatting, and cuddling. They say some funny and endearing things in those few minutes when we’re alone. And then they go to sleep. ;)
7. How do you prioritize time with your kids?
AMANDA
I truly believe that quality of time is more important than
quantity of time. It’s extremely important to me that I take time every day to
intentionally sit and talk to my kids, play with them, and hug them. And
honestly doing this doesn’t take me any focused thought. I miss them and I just
want to do those things!
Sometimes on the way home from daycare I’ll stop at
the park for a bit. We eat dinner together at the table as a family almost
every night, and we ask the kids what they learned and did that day. We rarely
turn on the TV in the evenings, which I think helps us all be able to interact
together (we also just don’t really have time to sit in front of the TV!). I
read to them before bed every night. Sometimes if the morning has gone well, we
snuggle on the couch and read a book before getting in the car for daycare
dropoff. There are a lot of ways to take advantage of small moments that can
add up to a lot even if I’m not with them for the majority of the actual work
day.
LAURA
On school days, I try to get on the floor with my two-year-old and do whatever he wants for a few minutes. With the school kids, I lean in to quality over quantity. My oldest son loves to cuddle/wrestle (it’s a fine line), so when he gets home, I invite him in for a hug, and that turns into a few minutes of some kind of close contact. Sometimes on the weekends, my husband will take one or two kids out for an errand, which makes them feel special. We also outsource some of that to grandparents. Sure, it’s not the same as special time with us, but it’s a great alternative.
8. When do you get things done as far as household chores, meal planning, grocery shopping?
Short answer: whenever I can fit it in! Longer answer: I’m
awful at household chores, and it’s hard to even keep the kitchen from
descending into madness. I usually unload/load the dishwasher in the mornings
while the kids eat first breakfast (before real breakfast at daycare).
I toss
in a load of laundry and set the delayed timer so it starts around 3 or 4:00
and is finished when I get home, so I can move it to the dryer immediately. I
usually end up having 3-4 loads of laundry to fold all at once, so I knock that
out in an evening once or twice a week while watching something on Netflix or
catching up on my Marco Polo videos.
I typically either do a quick grocery
store run during my lunch break or immediately after work with the kids (if I
go home, I won’t leave again, so I just go straight from pickup; and honestly
I’ve always loved taking them grocery shopping with me… I know, that sounds so
strange!). Jordan and I also often go on a big grocery store run on the weekend
as a family. If I meal plan, it’s typically right before I go to the grocery
store so that I have a list ready. I’ve never done grocery pickup (I know, I’m
nuts, right? Maybe that’s another post for another time lol).
Some of it gets done during the day, and some of it happens after the kids are in bed. About two years ago, I told Amanda that I was getting our groceries delivered, and I'm pretty sure she thought I was crazy to pay extra for something I could easily do myself. When she told me she enjoyed grocery shopping with her kids, I thought she was crazy. Actually, she is crazy and selfless and joy-seeking. One of the gifts of friendship is realizing ways I can change my perspective.
I'm back to doing my own shopping now, and I do find that it can be a fun way to connect with my toddler. He gets excited about his favorite foods, and he makes amusing observations. It’s not always fun, but it can be when I have the right frame of mind.
I sure thought it would be easier to stay on top of chores as a SAHM. Alas, I was wrong. I haven't logged the minutes, but I think there's about a 1:3 ratio of time spent doing a chore and time spent cleaning up what happened in the other room while I was doing the chore. I do little bits during the kids' wake time, but it often gets finished or redone when they're asleep. And my husband frequently reminds me it’s okay to let things go.
9. What are 1-2 practical tips you’ve found helpful in your day to day?
Regarding meal planning/prep, I try to always have staples
on hand that I can use to make simple recipes when I just don’t have any other
ideas. Frozen chicken; cans of corn, beans, and diced tomatoes; taco seasoning
(I make my own! So easy!); pasta noodles; cheese; loaf of bread. I’m pretty
good at throwing together a meal using things in my pantry if I haven’t been to
the store in a while. So I guess my actual tip here would be to get comfortable enough in the kitchen to figure out what
things to make sure you have stocked so you can almost always put something easy
together even if you’re completely out of ideas and out of time to prep
anything.
I also HIGHLY recommend pre-cooking hamburger meat and
chicken and freezing them in portions of 1-2 cups. I can easily pull out a bag
of frozen (but cooked!) hamburger meat to thaw for tacos or put in the crockpot
for chili. Or frozen (cooked!) chicken for a salad or a broccoli bake or
fajitas. It’s not as easy to pull out 1 pound of frozen meat that I now have to
thaw and cook (drain the fat, etc.) before I can use it in a recipe. This has
saved me so many times!
And really, just embrace frozen nuggets + mac 'n' cheese. Sometimes Kraft really hits the spot, and I have no regrets.
I try to involve the kids in cleaning, but I cannot yet trust them with a bottle of Windex. Enter E-cloth. Any microfiber cloths are probably fine, but I can vouch for this brand. Anyone who can walk can take a cloth and hunt for dust and dirt. They clean marvelously, they won't poison anybody, and the kids mostly have fun doing it.
(Note from Amanda: the above is an affiliate link because I haven't linked to anything in a while, and Laura said it was ok to make a few cents off her recommendation ;)
I love @busytoddler's Instagram feed. Her activities are low-prep and use stuff we almost always already have, and she’s not pretentious. You know what I mean. She’s an educator who promotes play over academia. That’s my jam.
10. What’s one thing you’ve learned about staying at home/being employed from being friends with the other person? (So one thing Laura has learned from Amanda, and one thing Amanda has learned from Laura)
AMANDA
Laura has been a really great encouragement to me over the
past couple of years, and I’m so thankful for her friendship. It’s obviously
easier make and stay friends with people in similar stages of life, but it’s
important to also have friends who can offer a different perspective. I could
write many things about what Laura has taught me (practically speaking, she’s
been super helpful with all sorts of random kid-related questions!), but what
comes to mind—and what I’m grateful for—is that she’s taught me a lot about how
to be a good friend.
It’s no secret that my first year back at work after having
R was extremely challenging. R was born in August 2015, and Laura’s second
child was born just a month or two before, so we were in the same stage as far
as having babies the same age, but completely different situations since I was
working full time and she was at home. She was supportive and encouraging, and
she really helped me feel like I wasn’t alone.
She taught me that where we
spend our work day doesn’t eliminate mom guilt, household and marital stress,
or mean that life is easier. We all have good days, and we all have bad days.
We all struggle with difficult toddlers and keeping our house clean. At times
we all question if what we are doing is making a difference. Our employment
status doesn’t define our motherhood, and it doesn’t have to create walls
between people who might otherwise be friends.
LAURA
Amanda has really helped me see that no mom fits in one box, and some labels are inaccurate and diminishing. Employed moms don’t all work for the same reason. “Full-time mom” isn’t only reflective of SAHMs. Moms who are doing “the most important thing” are actually just all moms. Where we spend our time isn’t reflective of our worthiness or caliber of motherhood.
She’s also taught me what vulnerability and personal growth look like. Each time she’s gone back to work after maternity leave, she’s been very open about how hard it is. When I’m going through my own struggles, I look at my journey through a microscope, and that makes it seem like there’s never any change. Seeing Amanda move from agony to peace over the last few years has shown me that every mom has big battles, and the growth is just as big even though it takes time.
____
Laura and I really hope you've enjoyed this two-part interview! We'd love to hear from you if you have any comments or feedback. We might even be open to a Part 3 if there are other questions we didn't cover here. (I haven't actually asked her about that, but maybe I could convince her haha! ;)
Of course, we know that every family and every kid and every person is different, and we are not in any way trying to speak for everyone with our answers. But we hope this gave you some insight into the life of a mom who stays at home and one who is employed.
We had fun working on this, and not to sound super cheesy, but we hope you had fun reading it too!
